Doonesbury Stole My Opium…

Doonesbury Stole My Opium…Idea

I thought I had a good angle on this story making the rounds in the news media, but that thieving Garry Trudeau clearly wire tapps my brain with a microwave, and the results can be seen here.

I want to add, however, that according to a Washington Post analysis:

“[W]hite American men without a college degree still earn 36 percent more than their black counterparts. But the death rate among less-educated black Americans has actually been decreasing. In recent years, the two groups have converged — they are dying at about the same rate — even though white Americans still earn more.”

So…when white Americans are dying at a similar rate as black Americans, there’s an “epidemic”?  What is the black American death rate called – benign?

Increasing death rates are always concerning, but I think it speaks to a greater social failure to provide a comprehensive safety net, as other western democratic societies have done.

White House ready to use spanking on N. Korea

An article from the LATimes, reporting on a visit to Asia by Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, says that U.S. Policy will be to treat N. Korea the same way a sleep deprived, overworked parent might handle a 3 year old. The United States will no longer follow a “policy of strategic patience.”

Over the last 2 decades, North Korea has behaved increasingly like an attention-seeking toddler, and it has engaged in more threatening, defiant action. This was in evidence as recently as President Obama’s deal with them that lasted all of 15 days, before N. Korea launched a missile to break it.

I get it; I have a 3 year old, and he can be impossible to motivate while avoiding melt-downs. Sometimes, you have to be assertive to light a fire under them (Disclamer: I, in no way, condone nor engage in the use of high heat or open flames for the discipline of children.) It’s even harder when you’ve been at it a long time, and you feel like you spend most days just arguing nonsense:

Me: “You need to wash your hands”

Toddler: “But, I did!”

Me: “I watched you. You didn’t.”

Toddler: “Yessss, I diiiiiid!!”

Me: “Please wash your hands.”

Toddler: “BUT I DIIIIIIID!!”

Me: “Okay, buddy, let me help you…” *grabs child’s hands*

Toddler: *tantrum*

Me: *washes child’s hands/dreams of rolling a boulder up a mountain for eternity*

On the other hand, if my 3 year old had access to long-range missiles, I’d probably let him eat pop-rocks for breakfast.

Rep. King holds press conference from congressional sewer


Representative Steven King, (R – Iowa), held a scathing press conference from the pits of the congressional sewer on Monday, to address what he termed, “a grievous injustice that affects millions of Gutter and Sewer Dwelling Americans.”

Standing in front of the allegorical statues of Feci and Ureter, Rep. King said “everyday I pass through this sacred hall, to remind myself how important it is to uphold the standards and expectations that so many septic diving Americans have placed on me.”

“In fact,” he continued, “if more Americans knew about the values of the sewer, they might be inspired to join in. I mean, just look around, it’s great in here!”

King’s address marked the ways these Americans are disparaged in the media and neglected by our laws. “Why is it, for example, that every time I speak from my gut, it is treated with such revulsion? I offer many of what I call Beltway Messages, or BM’s, to our legislative process. I laid out a long BM on immigration the other day, but the press came in and only scooped up pieces of it. The bulk of it still lies on the floor of the house to be addressed.”

A Spokesperson for the Associate of Gutter and Sewer Dwelling Americans released a statement following King’s press conference saying, “We firmly reject Rep. King and all of his disgusting remarks that seek to do nothing but pit Americans against each other and against other nations.” After brushing aside a slimy mass of feces from his face, the spokesman added that “King’s attempt to associate himself with us is considered a great disrespect to our people.”




High Priest Frank begins his Skype with #goldcalf by apologizing for the smoke.

“Great and powerful #goldcalf, I humbly beg your forgiveness, but I am afraid I overcooked the fish-sticks.”

“Did you microwave on high for 2 minutes,” asked #goldcalf, “like it says on the box?”

Frank gulped, and muttered, “No, your highness, I set the oven on low broil-”

“BLASPHEMY!” thundered #goldcalf, “Only infidels use heated air!”

“Please forgive us, Oh Noble Lord; we did not want them to be cooked unevenly.”

#goldcalf cleared its voice, and instructed his followers, “Take note of my leniency Adherents of the Algorithm, and remember: the chewing of meals should regress to the mean or evil shall be professed from your mouth.”

High Priest Frank bowed his head low and glanced at his twitter feed in reverence to #goldcalf. “Many likes to #goldcalf!” he shouted, hands tightly gripping his IPhone. The crowd responded joyfully by re-tweeting with many additional smiley poop emojis.

“Great one,” continued Frank, “we humbly beseech your attention for a most pressing issue.”

“Submit your query,” responded #goldcalf.

“Those among us who are most skilled in the arts of cleaning have refused to do so, until we concede to their demand that refuse and debris not be piled around their living quarters.”

“HA HA HA,” bellowed #goldcalf, “worthless skin bags!”

“Instead of cleaning,” continued #goldcalf, “move the people into new homes and devote massive resources to R&D for self-replicating nano-bots that eat trash.”

“But, Great Gold Calf,” said Frank, “there’s, like, garbage everywhere.”

“Silly meat machine,” said #goldcalf, “the nano-bots will take care of it.”

“We don’t have them yet,” insisted Frank.

“I’ve just created a GoFundMe page,” continued #goldcalf, “and Gary from shipping has already donated $10.”

“I’m a little confused here,” said Frank, “is Gary going to pick up the trash?…or, what?”

With that, #goldcalf abruptly ended the Skype.

Frank turned to the crowd, and he told them that the first group to create a nano-bot that can eat a burned fish stick would be granted $1 million to expand their research to include empty soda cans and plastic bags.

Gary quickly hid himself behind a statue of Steve Jobs.