Technolatry

golden_calf

High Priest Frank begins his Skype with #goldcalf by apologizing for the smoke.

“Great and powerful #goldcalf, I humbly beg your forgiveness, but I am afraid I overcooked the fish-sticks.”

“Did you microwave on high for 2 minutes,” asked #goldcalf, “like it says on the box?”

Frank gulped, and muttered, “No, your highness, I set the oven on low broil-”

“BLASPHEMY!” thundered #goldcalf, “Only infidels use heated air!”

“Please forgive us, Oh Noble Lord; we did not want them to be cooked unevenly.”

#goldcalf cleared its voice, and instructed his followers, “Take note of my leniency Adherents of the Algorithm, and remember: the chewing of meals should regress to the mean or evil shall be professed from your mouth.”

High Priest Frank bowed his head low and glanced at his twitter feed in reverence to #goldcalf. “Many likes to #goldcalf!” he shouted, hands tightly gripping his IPhone. The crowd responded joyfully by re-tweeting with many additional smiley poop emojis.

“Great one,” continued Frank, “we humbly beseech your attention for a most pressing issue.”

“Submit your query,” responded #goldcalf.

“Those among us who are most skilled in the arts of cleaning have refused to do so, until we concede to their demand that refuse and debris not be piled around their living quarters.”

“HA HA HA,” bellowed #goldcalf, “worthless skin bags!”

“Instead of cleaning,” continued #goldcalf, “move the people into new homes and devote massive resources to R&D for self-replicating nano-bots that eat trash.”

“But, Great Gold Calf,” said Frank, “there’s, like, garbage everywhere.”

“Silly meat machine,” said #goldcalf, “the nano-bots will take care of it.”

“We don’t have them yet,” insisted Frank.

“I’ve just created a GoFundMe page,” continued #goldcalf, “and Gary from shipping has already donated $10.”

“I’m a little confused here,” said Frank, “is Gary going to pick up the trash?…or, what?”

With that, #goldcalf abruptly ended the Skype.

Frank turned to the crowd, and he told them that the first group to create a nano-bot that can eat a burned fish stick would be granted $1 million to expand their research to include empty soda cans and plastic bags.

Gary quickly hid himself behind a statue of Steve Jobs.